Kubel Prepares for First All-Star Appearance

Posted on July 12, 2011 by Erik

Jason Kubel took time off rehabilitating his left foot to travel down to Arizona for his first All-Star game appearance. Kubel, who sprained his foot in a May 30th game in Detroit, has been on the disabled list for over a month. “It’s been frustrating,” Kubel said in an exclusive interview with The Uno Seis, “but I think I’m ready to show what I’ve got in the (All-Star) game on Tuesday.”

Kubel had been hitting .310 with 5 HRs and 30 RBIs before his injury, which were good enough numbers to put him in line for his first All-Star bid. With the rest of the team struggling, Kubel was the obvious choice for the Twins’ lone representative on Ron Washington’s team. “I think he’s shown that he can field as well as he hits…I had to put someone on the team from Minnesota, so I chose him,” Washington said in a roundabout way.

The Twins outfielder was in attendance for the Home Run Derby, getting to watch Robinson Cano hit 12 long bombs in the final round for a new Derby record. Although he didn’t get front row seats with the rest of the All-Stars, Kubel was ready to argue that his seats were better. “This pool in right field is prime babe-watching territory,” he remarked, “although if I were that guy that fell in, I’d make sure to wash the ball off before putting it anywhere.”

When he found out his teammate, Michael Cuddyer, was tweeting from the field, Kubel made sure to keep his jealousy in check. “I’m sure it’s because they found out what a great photographer he was. They probably needed him to find out what was in Rickie Weeks’ dreads. Besides, I know seats were limited…I’m just excited for my chance tomorrow.”

Kubel, who has been in the majors with the Twins since 2004, was relishing in every detail of his first appearance as an All-Star for his team, even down to the plate music. “I decided to forego my normal walk-up music, and go with something more low-key, maybe like Bon Iver or something. I’ve really been digging on him while doing my pool therapy.”

Although it’s been an exciting few days so far, Kubel did mention a few things that had been puzzling to him: “I had to buy my own tickets, I guess. But I think it’s probably for charity, which I don’t mind.” (Kubel’s charity, NORM (The National Organization of Restoring Men) would have to wait until next year for another possible chance at the Derby). “Also, I haven’t gotten my jersey yet, but when I called (former Twins outfielder Jason) Tyner he said he didn’t get his yet, either, so we’ll probably just get them a few hours before.”

When the American League manager was asked about his plans for Kubel, Washington shook his head and shrugged. “Well, he’ll probably get his chance later in the game, especially if it’s a blowout either way. Like I said, Mike Cuddyer hits as well as he fields, so we can’t risk putting him in with home field riding on the line.” Asked again if he had plans for the other Twins representative, Washington had this to say: “Who? Listen, I don’t manage the batboys. Take that up with the league office. Now if you don’t mind, I need to leave and make sure (Rangers designated hitter) Michael Young has his toys put away before his nap.”

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Kubel Allegedly Using DL Stint to Avoid Roster Cut

Posted on June 30, 2011 by Erik

Although the Twins showed some signs of life throughout the month of June, news of setbacks in Jason Kubel’s rehabilitation brought the team back down to earth today. Kubel, who was on track to possibly becoming the Twins’ representative at this year’s All-Star game, has been nursing a foot injury and missed out on the entire month. Meanwhile, his team went on an 8-game winning streak.

In a phone interview with the Star Tribune after a rehab game with the Fort Myers Miracle, Kubel offered this analysis: “I knew I was going to have to play through a little pain…but it was a little bit more than just a little.” However, his teammates back in Minnesota had more than just a few furrowed brows at the news.

“When he first brought up his foot thing, I thought it was a bit sketchy,” says first-baseman and previous All-Star Justin Morneau. “He’s missed a lot of games over the past few years, and this one seemed conveniently to be right on time. It’s like he’s hiding out from something.”

Skipper Ron Gardenhire seemed to echo this sentiment, although he was a bit more cryptic: “Kubes knew his time was up, and found a way to dream up this whole foot injury thing.”

The Twins have left much to be desired this year offensively, but Kubel has been a bright spot. Up until his injury on May 31st, he was the only player batting above .300 and led the team with 5 HRs and 30 RBIs (recently surpassed by Danny Valencia and Michael Cuddyer). While many thought this was an argument for Kubel’s first All-Star appearance and perhaps a long-term contract with the team, Twins President Dave St. Peter laid out his argument for cutting Kubel from the team altogether.

“Listen, ultimately baseball is a business,” St. Peter said, lying in a pile of empty Kemps milk jugs, “and as a business, we need to make tough decisions. One of those decisions is to cut our best player so that we can totally bomb in the standings and land some sweet draft picks next year. That way, we can trade them away for some backup catchers or cash or maybe the Timberwolves.”

The idea of Kubel, who has been with the Twins organization since 2000, wanting to hide out may seem preposterous at first, until one spends enough time in the clubhouse. Kubel, always a master of disguise while hiding out during the offseason, even tricked some of his long time teammates. “I never thought I’d see (former Twins utility superhero Nick) Punto in the locker room again, but there he was,” stated Michael Cuddyer. When told it was Kubel all along, Cuddyer’s mouth gaped open. “No way! I could have sworn it was him – he even had the same mole on his left butt cheek…”

As the first website for all things Kubel, the Uno Seis decided to get to the real scoop and tracked Kubel down at a local Gwar concert dressed as a cow’s udder. We were able to corner him behind a giant meat-monster. “Yeah, you got me, I’ve been skipping work,” Kubel admitted. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go feed a slime-covered Glenn Beck to a giant shark-toothed flaming Obama skull.”

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Kubel Makes the Best of his DL Stint

Posted on June 6, 2011 by Erik

While the injury-ravaged Twins lineup has been making the best of their divisional matchups against Kansas City and Cleveland, the star of the first two months has been sitting out with a left foot sprain. Jason Kubel, in his contract year with the Twins, is hitting a robust .310 with 5 HRs and 30 RBIs – and this is all after a drop in production from the first six weeks. Kubel injured his foot in a loss to the Detroit Tigers in the first game of a three-game set in which the Twins were swept.

Since that series loss in Detroit, however, the Twins have put up 5 W’s against divisional rivals, leaving many to wonder what kind of season Minnesota might be having if everyone was healthy. “It’s been frustrating to sit out, but I’m glad to see the guys winning I guess,” Kubel said in a recent interview. “I just can’t wait to get back in there.”

Decked out in a fluffy neon-green wig and a round red nose, Kubel waddled his way into the media room in a pair of size-23 clown shoes. “Sorry for the outfit,” he said, “I didn’t have time to change after my last gig.” Asked if he was happy about working children’s birthday parties dressed as a clown, Kubel stated “It pays the bills, I guess. The only bad thing is that I think my agent over-booked me—I’ve got clients every weekend for the next sixteen months.”

After the Twins’ recent 6-4 win over the division-leading Cleveland Indians, skipper Ron Gardenhire was asked if he was happy that his DH was keeping active while on the 15-day disabled list. “It’s good to see Kubes back to where he started. I know there’s been an empty spot in his heart ever since he had to leave the clown stuff behind for baseball.” Afterwards, Gardenhire was asked how All-star catcher and batting champion Joe Mauer was progressing in Triple-A rehab. “He’s working it out. Unfortunately, however, he may be heading for the 120-day disabled list, after reporting that he cut his left nipple shaving.”

To get an honest opinion of Kubel’s production as a birthday party clown, The Uno Seis got the exclusive details from a recent client, John Clark Elementary second-grader Phillip Meuweller: “He was kind of weird. His eyes kept blinking when he made us balloon animals. And his breath smelled bad, like the bad stuff Mom keeps under the sink.”

Kubel’s stat line is promising, however. His squirt flower success rate is climbing, while his CCLS (children crying per lap-sitting) is at a career low. “He’s made a big turnaround down there,” Gardenhire said. “We’re just hoping he’s 100% Kubel when he comes back.”

When asked if he felt threatened as the club’s resident magician, utility-man Michael Cuddyer had this to say: “As long as they keep paying me $5M more than him a year, he can keep hiding those 8-of-spades in his beard all he wants.”

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Kubel to Retire No. 16 after Seven Years with Team

Posted on May 24, 2011 by Erik

After playing his 700th career game with the Minnesota Twins Monday night, it was announced that Jason Kubel’s jersey number would be retired by the organization during Friday’s opener against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

Kubel, who went 0-for-5 with a strikeout in a loss against the Seattle Mariners, was approached after the game for his thoughts. “It’s a great honor, but I guess I don’t really understand why they’re retiring it. I plan on playing for a few more years, I guess.”

Playing in what may be considered by many an All-Star type year for the Twins, Kubel appears to be the only standout on a team of underachievers. Baseball prognosticators have even gone so far to say the Twins record may be 3-43 instead of 15-31 without Kubel in the everyday lineup. Even after a poor day at the plate against Seattle, a game that honored the life of All-Star Twins slugger Harmon Killebrew, Kubel’s average remained the only one above .300 amongst everyday starters.

“We’ve pretty much milked this Killebrew thing for all it’s worth,” stated GM Bill Smith when asked about Kubel’s number retirement ceremony. “We need something to keep the fans involved, and (Rod) Carew and (Tony) Oliva look to have a few more years between them.”

Kubel, who only just recently made his number 16 a household name with his ubiquitous ‘Uno Seis’ nickname, was asked by this very website about his attachments to his jersey number. “It’s okay, I guess. I kind of liked 17 more, but (former Twins pitcher) Ariel Prieto had it at the time.”

With the Twins retiring Kubel’s number on Friday, and Kubel still hesitant to cease playing, manager Ron Gardenhire had to make the difficult decision of a new jersey number for his everyday outfielder. “It was tough, so I asked the Kubester if he had any ideas. He wanted 13, but that’s first base coach Jerry White’s – and he’d give up his wife before he’d give up that number.”

TheUnoSeis.com caught up with White and asked him about giving up his famous jersey number. “Well, first of all, I’m already divorced, and I don’t really care for the number 13 – I’m pretty superstitious, you know. Did you hear the story of when I (story cut out for time constraints)”

It’s sure to be an emotional night for Twins fans as the team places a large “16” up next to the current Twins Hall-of-Famers and retired numbers. “It’s going to be a perfect fit, right up next to Kent Hrbek and Rod Carew, two fearful hitters who would drool over hearing their names mentioned in the same breath as Jason Kubel,” stated Smith. “We’re hoping it’ll appease the fans, whom we’re still fighting to get alcohol available up through the ninth inning when it’s been most necessary this season.”

Kubel, who remains confused yet honored, will also bat three times in the lineup at the request of manager Gardenhire. “It may not just be limited to Friday, either,” he adds.

“I think it’s weird,” Kubel states, “but whatever. I guess wearing Number 6 will be sort of the same, it just won’t have a ‘1’ in front of it.”

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Are You Ready? Get Ready! The Story of Kubel’s Near Demise at the Hands of GB Leighton!

Posted on May 2, 2011 by Erik

Few doubt Jason Kubel’s importance on the Twins’ 2011 team; although Minnesota currently holds the worst record in MLB at 9-18, Kubel leads his team in AVG, OBP, and OPS. He’s improved his situational hitting, batting .409 with runners in scoring position.  However, what many are not aware of is how this season may have never arrived for Kubel.

In 2010, as the Twins readied themselves to drive to another Central Division title in the first year of their new ballpark, the channel that broadcast Twins games, FSNorth, decided that there was one thing still missing to complete the puzzle: a theme song. What may have been a daunting task to most should have come easy for the network; they lived smack-dab in the middle of a thriving music community. While obvious choices like Prince and well-known Twins fans The Hold Steady were considered, the channel decided to go with local bar-stomping badass GB Leighton and his band of beer-swilling bumpkins to get Twins fans on their feet, Summit Pale Ale in one hand, ready to cheer on their hometown team.

What they got was this:

GB Leighton sings “Twins Territory” at Anoka County Fair

“It was pandemonium from day one,” said Twins owner Jim Pohlad. “The fans went nuts over it.”

In an exclusive interview with GB Leighton and his band, The Uno Seis found out just how ‘nuts’ the fans had become over their new single, ‘Twins Territory’. “We couldn’t find bars big enough to hold the amount of people that started coming to our shows,” Leighton recalled. “We were on a rollercoaster that ran off the track. We had no idea when it happened—most likely when the song hit iTunes and found itself in the Billboard Hot 100.”

In fact, the song proved so infectious that fans began singing it in unison between innings during the Twins’ first playoff game at Target Field. Joe Girardi, who was managing the New York Yankees when they visited the Twins, remembers it quite well: “I didn’t know what the hell it was at the time, but after I picked it up on my Shazam I made sure to rush home and download it for my family and friends. It was as if we were hearing something like the Beatles all over again, it was that fresh and exciting.”

Although Leighton’s runaway hit couldn’t bring the Twins success in the playoffs, it proved to be the spark the team needed to take the division lead in the late summer and not relent, and claim their best record since 2006 at 94-68. Verses like: Are you ready? Get ready/This is now our time to shine in the glory/Fox Sports is Twins Territory were just the type of medicine that cured Twins fans’ fever, and Pohlad knew he couldn’t let it slip through his hands.

“We knew we needed GB Leighton back. If he could inspire that kind of excitement surrounding the team in 2010, just imagine what would happen if he played before each game during the 2011 season. We though the Twins would have a legitimate chance of going 162-0,” stated Pohlad.

When it came down to it, however, Pohlad reached into his pockets and couldn’t find enough cash to both pick up Jason Kubel’s 2011 option and reserve GB Leighton for 81 home games. “The decision was easy at that point,” Pohlad said, “Kubel sucked last year, so we went with GB.”

However, just as Pohlad sat down to sign the check over for a little piece of “Twins Territory”, an unexpected call came in.

“I remember sitting there, ready to sign my life away, when suddenly my cell phone rings,” Leighton said. “It was Joe Girardi, and he had signed us to a multi-million dollar contract to sing at all of A-Rod’s birthday parties and club openings. So we told Pohlad to shove his check up his Kentucky bluegrass ass: we were going to the Big Apple!”

One can only imagine the what-if’s of the 2011 season had the Twins come up with enough money to keep GB Leighton around for one more year. Perhaps the record would be flip-flopped to 18-9, or even a perfect 27-0 as Pohlad boldly announced. Alas, it was not meant to be: Leighton saw the dollar signs, and the Twins were stuck with Kubel for another year. While it’s worked out so far, Pohlad is already seeing things in a different light.

“We’ve already got a deal in the works to send Kubel over for Leighton and some prospects by the deadline,” stated Pohlad. “I guess he couldn’t handle his call-up to the big show after all.”

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TheUnoSeis.com Live Tweeting from the Game

Posted on April 28, 2011 by Erik

Hello one and all Kubel-aholics!

The Uno Seis will be live tweeting from the night game during every No.16 at-bat, so be prepared for excitement unlimited. Because as you know, each Uno Seis at bat is its own mini-game of wits and wagers.

Follow us on Twitter.com at @TheUnoSeis

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Kubel and Sam Fuld to Joust for AL Player of the Month

Posted on April 25, 2011 by Erik

As the Twins battle back to .500 while trying to reassemble their breakout lineup from last year, another team has already fought their way back into the thick of things in the AL East – the Tampa Bay Rays. Much of that is due to their new pickup, Sam Fuld, from the Matt Garza trade to Chicago. Fuld has been at the top of nearly every category in the AL, from average to stolen bases. Many writers have not just picked him as a breakout star from the first few weeks of the season – most have already resigned to giving him the AL Player of the Month award for April.

What they’ve overlooked, however, is Twins OF/DH Jason Kubel’s own contribution to his team’s rising from the depths of the American League. During the Twins’ recent 3-game winning streak, Kubel has gone 5-for-10 with 2 doubles, 2 runs scored and 5 RBIs. His 2-run double in Sunday’s game was the decision-maker for the Twins sweep of Central Division leader Cleveland Indians.

“When it comes down to it, these two players have been extremely invaluable to their teams’ recent success,” stated Commissioner Bud Selig during a recent press conference. “The only  way that the league has decided to settle the April Player of the Month award is to have the two men battle in a joust.”

While it appears to be an unorthodox way to settle one of the twelve-hundred different awards MLB gives out each year, jousting for the top spot has been used in Major League Baseball before. The first known formal joust was actually for the same award in the National League back in June 1960, when St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Lindy McDaniel beat out Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Bob Friend in a best 2-out-of-3 battle during an ownership meeting of drunken baseball magnates.

When asked if he was nervous about the possible deadly battle with his counterpart, Kubel surprised most in describing his work on independent Western films. “While trying to make my way through the minors, I decided to help some friends with their Westerns for extra cash on the side. I got familiar horseback riding real quick – because I had to.” After doing a little digging, The Uno Seis found one of Kubel’s films available in the public domain: The Loneliest Beard in the West. “Yeah, that one had a lot of long days and nights. But it’s where I developed my equestrian roots, and I’m proud of it,” Kubel remarked.

Although those credentials seem impressive enough, Sam Fuld revealed with shocking candor that he has actually jousted before – as an actor for the popular Medieval Times restaurant chain. “Oh yeah, I’ve got jousting prowess,” he stated with a smile. “All I’ve got to say to him – or any of my future opponents – is ‘thou shalt eateth stick’.”

The Uno Seis decided to catch up with Kubel on his off-day Monday for any last words. We found him at the local pool hall with Michael Cuddyer as he watched his teammate’s kids shoot some stick, which carried with it a sort of ominous foretelling of the days to come. “Before he thinks about rending my head from my neck, I just hope he shows some mercy – for my child’s sake,” Kubel said. “He’s suffering from a terminal disease where his organs eat him from the inside out.” When told they’d be using foam lances after drunkenly spinning around ten times, Kubel responded: “Although I heard they’ve got cures for that.”

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Kubel Leads in Early All-Star Voting

Posted on April 19, 2011 by Erik

With the season already nearing the end of its third full week, many fans are itching to log their write-in votes for the All-Star game in Phoenix, Arizona. Some early favorites are perennial all-stars Matt Fuld of the Tampa Bay Rays and Gio Gonzalez of the Oakland Athletics (they currently lead their leagues in batting average and ERA, respectively). At the top of that list, however, is hometown hero Jason Kubel.

Not only does Kubel have the best Spanish-inspired nickname in the league, but he also leads his team in home runs, on-base percentage, slugging percentage, and runs scored. He is tied for the lead in doubles with Justin Morneau, and has the best average amongst players with seven or more at-bats.

If these stats weren’t mind-boggling enough, fans of things like UZR and WAR have even taken notice – amongst all outfielders, Kubel has a UZR/150 of 10.5, the first time he’s had a positive number in his career and putting him ahead of big names like Nick Swisher, Cameron Maybin and Colby Rasmus. His WAR rating is also positive at 0.5, which may be useful at this point in the season with the Twins’ hunger for a winning streak. If you’re searching for our data on this, you don’t have to look much further than his game-saving catch against Tampa Bay last Sunday:

Kubel makes a stunning catch

The Uno Seis.com got a hold of Kubel to ask him about these early voting results: “It’s an honor to be included with some of the names on that list. I guess it helps that Mauer and Morneau have been sick the last few days so I can play more.”

Whether or not names like Mauer and Morneau are included in the list, it’s obvious that Kubel has been the breakout star of the Twins this year. If we dig even deeper, we find that he also leads the team in at-bats that have provoked manager Ron Gardenhire to get ejected, most eye-twitches between each pitch, most ass-slaps from (first base coach) Jerry White and reddest beard.

“I’m very happy with my success this season, and I hope it can continue,” Kubel said during the interview. “I think the most important thing is having the fans behind me. That’s what really motivates me to go out there each day and do my thing.” When asked if ‘my thing’ meant whacking more solo home runs, Kubel, the team prankster, laughed and said “No, I mean this—”, to which he reached into Danny Valencia’s locker and switched his Phiten titanium necklace with a regular braided rope and remarked “shhh…don’t tell him!”

When asked where he’d bat Kubel in the line-up should he be voted in, AL manager Ron Washington smiled and said “Jason Kendall? I might put him seventh or eighth, right behind Scotty (Scott Hatteberg) or Dan-Dan (Dan Johnson).

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Fans: Be sure to check Moments in Seistory!

Posted on April 12, 2011 by Erik

Today is April 12th — ardent fans of the Uno Seis will know what this means. If you want to share your memories or find out what happened on this great date in Seistory, be sure to check the ‘Fans of Uno Seis’ Message Board!

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Twins Search for Solutions to their Slump

Posted on April 11, 2011 by Erik

 

By Sunday afternoon, it appeared that one thing was clear for the 2011 Minnesota Twins: Center Field is still not far enough away for Jim Thome. For everyone else…well, let’s just say the park may as well stretch all the way to the St. Croix river.

With the Twins losing their third straight series to open the season and dependable hitters like Joe Mauer and Michael Cuddyer carrying sub-.200 averages, some fans are ready to hit the panic button. “It’s just frustrating when you know you can hit, and you’re seeing the ball all the way, but all you can muster is a two-hopper directly back to the pitcher,” said AL MVP and three-time batting champion Joe Mauer. “Of course, it’s only April, so things are likely to change.”

Well played, Mauer – but not so fast. While the Oakland series proved that the A’s highly vaunted pitching was something to reckon with after all, it also showed that the Twins aren’t just anemic against the AL East, as is usually the case. “Once the weather warms up, that ball will start flying again,” continued Mauer, in between bites of his energy bar.

To find out more about the Twins’ hitting issues so far this season, TheUnoSeis.com decided to follow up with the team’s more prominent sluggers from opposite sides of the plate, Jason Kubel and Delmon Young, during the team’s off day on Monday.

“It’s a long season, and we’d rather have our slump now than when we’re in a pennant race,” Young said, cheeks filled with some type of protein mash. Kubel nodded along, bits of granola clinging to his dense beard. “We’re just lucky that our pitchers have the big balls they do to keep us in the game.”

We watched the pair take batting practice, usually an activity for the team to work on directing their hits where they’d like them to go, as well as demonstrating their power. Most of the balls they swung at ended up behind them, and the ones they managed to make contact with dribbled through the grass second base or shortstop. No balls were hit in the opposite direction.

“That’s actually a new activity that (batting coach) Joe Vavra has us working on,” remarked Kubel. “He wants us to learn how to hit soft ground balls and lazy flies so that we know how to not hit it during a game-time situation. We think it’s a g—” (The rest is unintelligible, as it is at this point when Kubel tossed about a dozen nutrition bars into a high-powered blender).

When it seemed that the answers were even more unclear than when we started, we ran into Jim Thome as he stepped up for batting practice. “I don’t know what the other boys’ secret is, but when I want to jack one, I just tear off a hunk of my homemade ‘Thome’s Treats’ and rip a moonshot from here to Ham Lake.” Upon saying this, Thome took a bite of his bar and racketed a pitch right between Minnie’s eyes, shearing his head clean off. “Guess that’s coming out of my first quarter’s sales!” he exclaimed.

It appears the quest for a solution to the team’s recent hitting issues rages on. The answer may lie with adjusting to a new season, or perhaps it lies in the unorthodox hitting practices of Coach Joey Vavra after all. Nonetheless, Twins fans need not hit the panic button just yet—instead, reach for a delicious Thome’s Treats bar. For as the slogan says: “Just keep one in your pocket, and soon you’re rippin’ rockets!”

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